I Am Tired

I am tired!

Physically tired.

It feels like I am living life walking through honey. My body is heavy. My limbs can moan and groan in places it didn’t before. Every time I bend down, my knees sound like crushed plastic. My eye lids are heavy. My arms hang.

I am physically tired.

Emotionally tired.

My emotions catch me off guard often. I cry at adverts, at songs, at kindness. Sometimes I am overly emotional and sometimes I can’t find which emotions to feel. Should I feel happiness?Sadness? Relief? Guilt?

I laugh at nothing. I laugh at stupid things that wouldn’t ordinarily make me laugh.

I am emotional tired

Mentally tired.

I often find myself stopping mid sentence and forgetting how I got there. I can’t find the right words to say. Words escape my vocabulary, ones that have been there since I learned to speak. Cheese. Radiator. Tennis. They are replaced with Thingy, Whatchmacallit, Thingmajig. I find that I can drive to a place and not recall the journey. I zone out of a room, out of conversations and then I worry about how that has portrayed me to the people around me. That worry makes me even more tired. I am mentally tired.

All I need to do is sleep. Catch up on the nights I didn’t. But my brain can’t switch off. I am thinking of what I must do tomorrow. What I must achieve this month. What I am going to have for dinner in three days? What will I wear next week? Have I written down all the people’s birthdays in my diary? Where will I work next?

I go through my thoughts from big meaningful questions and worries to the tiniest little detail. Anything that will stop me from falling into peace. Into what I need to do to recuperate.

I am tired.

But I know this tiredness will not last forever. And I hope it won’t last for long.