In my teens it was a rarity for me to cry. No sob story or sad film could make me shed a tear; I felt like I had a heart of stone.
But, as soon as I entered my early twenties and my final year of university approached, I began a journey to emotion. A cute puppy resulted in a river of tears. An old lady crossing the street, pass me a tissue! I put it down to the stress of writing my dissertation if I’m honest. I was tired and had no idea what I was going to do with my life after graduation. I thought as soon as I had some structure back, and I had had a sleep Snow White would envy, I would be back on track to my black heart and dry tear ducts.
It didn’t quite work out like that. I feel as every year passes, the more emotional I get.
My Mam used to cry uncontrollably every time we went to any theatre (whether it be a treat of a proper show or some sort of Am-Dram thing I’d dragged her to/ starred in) when the audience clapped. I used to take the piss out of her for it and could not understand how such a small insignificant thing could push her to tears. But you know what they say is destined to happen? Well it has happened to me; apparently I have turned into my mother, as I now do exactly the same, (not that it’s a bad thing to be my Mam, she's a babe.)
Clapping, adverts, songs, podcasts (to the point I have been listening to one in the car and have had to pull over in fear of not being able to see through my tears) people telling me stories, reading articles, watching The Dodo animal videos on youtube. An old lady in a gym class, or just at nothing in particular. You name it, I’ve cried at it.
I have no idea what has happened to spark the change in me. They say having a child or experiencing a big loss or a dramatic encounter can result in a shift of your emotions, but I have experienced none of these things. It has made me question my sanity at times, but after a little reflection it’s usually due to stress, things that are happening around me that I have no control over or lack of sleep.
And what makes it worse is, yes I have become more open to my emotions running away with me, but I really do not like allowing myself to get emotional in front of people. So a lot of my time is spent donning sunglasses in order to hide my tears from strangers and the people I am with. Or abruptly changing the subject if I feel myself getting teary, or just closing my eyes when watching cinema trailers. I think I’m hiding it well from the people around me, but I can guarantee I am not!
Is there a set amount of tears you must cry in your lifetime that I happened to save up during my moody teen years, or is it just the older you get, the more stressed you feel, the more responsibility you have and therefore the more susceptible to tears you are? And is this a change for life or as soon as I hit thirty, is it going to switch back? Only time will tell I suppose.
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