Written By Anon
You arrived two years ago, without warning and stealthily snuck into my life. You weren’t invited, you weren’t wanted and you won’t go away.
I tried to tell other people you were here, maybe they could help talk you into leaving, but nobody else could see you, just me.
You’re needy. You require so much of my time; you take up so much of my headspace. I constantly feel responsible for you and however much time I give to you, it’s not enough. I have tried to cut you off, block you out, lock you away, but you walk through walls, you fill empty space and you relentlessly follow me, like a dark shadow.
I am at war with you every day. I try to fight you, but you shape shift, appearing in my life in different forms, different every time, unrecognisable in your new guise. You trick me, again and again and again.
I spend most of my time trying to separate myself from you, but you have tied an invisible thread between us and no matter how hard I try I cannot shake it loose.
You have become part of me.
Most days I am too exhausted to try and focus hard enough to unravel the tiny threads between us, they are so detailed, so tight, so intricate that most of the time, I only pull the knots tighter.
My friends can’t see you. I’ve told them about you, but I think most of them think I’ve made you up, or you are a lame excuse. Even if they could get their head around you, they can’t see you, or touch you, they only see me. How can I expect them to believe in this witch craft?
You have ruined my friendships. The way you behave in front of them embarrasses me. In fact, I have a daydream where I meet up with them and you’re not there, it can be like it used to. I don’t have to keep looking over my shoulder at you, apologising for you, checking, and double checking that you’re not misbehaving.
You see you’re stronger than I am, so when you’re fighting against me, I eventually give in, take a back seat. I wouldn’t wish you on my worst enemy, never mind my friends, the friends I’ve known for years, relationships based on love and trust and joy and happy, fond memories.
I hate the way you speak to me, I know you hate me and you want me to hate myself. Every day I try to tell myself five things I like about being me (that’s what the councillor says to do) and every time I speak, you shout over me. You mock me, blame me, shame me, undermine me and speak to me with sheer disgust.
You hold me down in bed each morning, suffocating me underneath my pillow. Laughing while I desperately try to get up, get on with my life, go to work, make money, and have a life.
I thought the medication would work, my doctor told me if it didn’t make you go away it would at least calm you down. It calmed you down, right down and now you drag me through life as slowly as can go. I am now dragging you behind and I can’t move at the pace I’d like to. You put your hands over my eyes, so I can’t see what you can’t see, is this better or worse I wonder? I’m just miming, what I used to do. Hands out in front of me to check I don’t fall and walking aimlessly into open spaces, praying I don’t crash into a wall, or another person.
I’ve crashed into lots of walls and lots of people.
I’ve spoken to someone “professional” about you. They don’t understand. They don’t know you. They know of monsters like you, yes. But they don’t know you, personally. What your like, where you came from, you go shy when were around them. I feel like I’m trying to get blood out of a stone, convince them, you really are there, you really are real.
Look, it’s been two years, or more and you’ve outstayed your welcome. Haven’t you done enough? Can’t you see how much you’re hurting me and the people I love? Can’t you please, please, just give me a break, even if only for a few days?
I need to get on with my life now.
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