Written By Anonymous
I am lonely. It’s hard to say or even type that as I shouldn’t be, not really.
I have a fantastic long term partner, a loving family who (my mother especially) are always keen to chat on the phone, I’m in my mid-twenties, I don’t have health or financial issues that stop me from leading a normal life, I am friendly and open minded in social situations and yet, I don’t have many friends and often feel lonely.
When I was at school, I didn’t have a huge group of friends but, quality over quantity! I would have little pockets of friends. My school friends and after school activity friends very rarely met but I liked having a few sets of people, and I could choose who knew which secrets/who saw different sides of my personality on different days. I also always had somebody to rant to if I’d had a fallout with someone without the risk of being accused of ‘bitching behind backs’.
As I reached adulthood, I became self-employed and had no idea how much it would affect my friendship circles and social confidence. I chat to clients throughout the day but ultimately spend the day alone and although I often think about asking clients if they would like to go for a social coffee with me, it would be crossing a professional boundary that would not enhance my career. My job doesn’t really ‘do’ networking. Plus, I’m not looking for more clients, I’m looking for a friend. My working hours are awkwardly un-flexible and I have 3-4 hour lunch breaks, which is great…if you have someone to share them with. It’s a time when I read, exercise and have ‘me-time’ but it’s also time to wallow, waste time scrolling social media and sit alone in cafes.
I try joining clubs and classes to meet new people and like I said, I am chatty and ask questions and compliment and do all of the things that I think will make people like me. But I can never quite get past the stage of discussing the activity that we’re doing, i.e. this gym class is great, to real talk, i.e. where are you from and would you like to meet up this weekend to do a social activity and potentially be my friend?
My biggest worry is ‘why would they want to be friends with me?’. What would we talk about? What if they meet me for coffee, and instantly regret it when we sit there in silence, avoiding eye contact? Or worse, they text their real friends to discuss our sad, friendship date like an embarrassing Tinder story.
I think it’s particularly difficult to meet new people if you are in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, having someone to come to home to every evening and a reliable pair of ears to listen to you is wonderful and I would not be without my guy for anything. However, it’s also a barrier and dare I admit it, a good excuse not to make an effort. I know I can have an easy, relaxing weekend with my partner instead of a scary and potentially unenjoyable time at a new event, trying to make small talk with people who I know, deep-down, will not be a life-long friend.
And I think that’s my problem. I’m looking for a best-friend-forever. Somebody that, like in rom-coms, is there for you from childhood, straight through your wedding and baby years, and into old age when you can drink sherry and laugh about the good old times together. When I meet a new potential friend, they have to pass the longevity test – am I going to still be in touch with you in several years’ time? If not, why bother?
Us Millennials are often accused of being the instant generation. Fast food and smoothies instead of meals; HIIT workouts, we don’t have time to spend longer than 14 minutes at the gym; instant fame reality TV shows, especially the ones finding your soulmate in less than a summer holiday; getting the answer to almost any question on earth within seconds via good old Siri. Everything in our lives can be achieved quickly and efficiently. Except perhaps, making real, true friends.
Social media will tell you that your mid-twenties are for setting up careers, dating, travelling and tagging your mates in ‘#mygirls’ photos of nights out. It doesn’t show that some people feel like it’s the first day of school, every day, and you’re just hoping that somebody will ask you to be their friend.
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